ditch,

the poetry that matters

Frances Barnet

Frances Barnet is a writer currently living in Montreal, Quebec. Her work has appeared in such publications as The Void Magazine, Soliloquies, Dragnet Magazine and Ribbon Pig.

 

 

Found! The Longest Bird Penis Ever!

 

North American scientists have discovered the longest bird penis ever, a 42.5 cm organ belonging to a duck. Dr. Kevin McCracken and colleagues, of the University of Melbourne, report in this week’s Nature magazine that they have found a specimen of the Argentine Lake Duck with an organ as long as its body, nearly half a metre. “It’s a fascinating bit of anatomy they’ve discovered here,” commented bird-mating expert Dr. Raoul Mulder from the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, “it really is unusual.”

 

Struck by a resemblance to Big League Chew, he remembers walking to the A&P with his father, discussing Joe Namath and how his favorite animal, out of all the animals in the world, was the Siberian tiger.

 

 

 

Found! The Longest Bird Penis Ever!

 

The authors write that this species is “promiscuous and boisterous in their sexual activity,” which means that there is likely to be stiff competition by drakes to be the father of ducklings. 

 

One notes the use of the word “stiff” and makes a joke to friends along the lines of, “men- can’t live with 'em can’t live without 'em”.

 

 

 

Found! The Longest Bird Penis Ever!

 

Mulder and team are being rather speculative and it seems not much is known about this bird. “We need to observe its behavior in the wild before we can understand what function this penis may have.” One finding suggests the drake's penis has a brush-like tip, which they say the males probably use to scrub the sperm of previous mates from the female's oviduct.

 

One wonders, what is the stance amongst the Argentine Lake Duck population regarding the ethics of said removal? It is not a chick until it hatches; it is not a bird until it flies, it is not Alaska until someone sees a moose, it is not a man until its penis is measured and photographed for ABC Science Online.

 

 

 

Found! The Longest Bird Penis Ever!

 

Mulder agreed this was likely, but felt another suggestion by the authors - that males might use an everted penis as a "display" to attract females - was not.

 

New York Jets 16-7 over the Baltimore Colts. He remembers his father coming home with one hundred and twenty five dollars, used a portion to buy roses for his mother, she let everyone have a smell.

 

 

 

Found! The Longest Bird Penis Ever!

 

Most male birds don't have penises - they copulate by briefly touching genital openings, called a 'cloacal kiss'."

 

“Why don’t we do it like birds do it?”  The seagull, the blue jay, the New Jersey goldfinch. Teenagers when their parents are home and watching MASH in the next room. “There is no person in the world like your stripes, no spots in the world like your antlers, no fingerprints in the world like your feathers.”

 

 

 

Found! The Longest Bird Penis Ever!

 

Dr McCracken and colleagues speculate that the giant penis may be an example of 'runaway' sexual selection, where female preference drives male anatomy to ever-greater extremes, as in the peacock's tail.

 

In college, much time is spent contemplating the length of his side burns. Joe Willie perfects his spin, learns the true meaning of integrity, sustains multiple knee injuries.

 

 

 

Found! The Longest Bird Penis Ever!

  

The authors acknowledge that many questions remain: How much of the penis does the drake actually insert? And does the anatomy of the female make them unusually difficult to inseminate?

 

Does the use of the word “stiff” jeopardize the scientific enterprise of the findings? In what way do the findings influence the Siberian Tiger’s position as Dr Mulder’s favorite animal and is this something ever discussed with his father? At what point does the uniqueness of the stripes become a problem, as in, say the female argentine lake ducks, “why can’t everyone have a penis be as long as your penis,” as in, says Joe Willie Namath, “why can’t every season be 1969,” as in, “why can’t every person be this person, touching in the open bedroom like a bird?”

 

Bookmark and Share

                                                                                                           June 30, 2012